It's Not Unusual
by Alpacca Joe
Summary: A few tales of unusual happenings.
1. The Darkness Between

**The Darkness Between**

Brittany glanced nervously over at her date, Nick or Mick or whatever, and felt dread sink into her stomach like a canon ball. He was giving her the look. The one that said put out or get out, and she had no intention of putting out. High school was far behind her, and she just wasn't that kind of girl, anymore.

Nick or Mick leered at Brittany's low-cut sweater and leaned close.

"Time to get to know each other better, babe."

"Um... I'd like to go home now, please."

Nick or Mick frowned.

"We just got here."

Brittany pressed her lips together and gave him her best glare.

"I'd like to go home. Now."

Angry, Nick/Mick grabbed her shoulders and began forcing her on her back. Brittany's arms flashed out, grabbed his biceps in an iron grip and pulled him, head first, into her cleavage.

For an eternal moment, all was still. Then a loud keening filled the car as Nick/Mick flailed his arms and kicked his legs, but was unable to escape. Almost all at once, he was sucked into the cleft of Brittany's cleavage.

All was silent.

A loud belch sounded from between Brittany's breasts. Then, a small voice:

_ Pardon me._

Brittany smiled fondly and brushed her hair out of her eyes.

4/24/08 PPMB "Unusual Superpowers" Iron chef


	2. Oh, That Smell

**Oh, That Smell**

_Runner douche: Did you see this girl run like the wind?  
Daria: Have you ever heard her break wind?  
~ See Jane Run_

Daria glanced up at the frantic banging that sounded from her door, brow creased in annoyance. Assuming it was Quinn asking for a favor, Daria called her answer out so the obtrusive presence could easily hear.

"Thank you for dialing the City Morgue. We appreciate your business. However, none of our representatives are available to take your call. If your corpse is the result of homicide, press one. For suicide, press two. For immolation, press three. For living dead, stay on the line and a representative will be with you as soon as possible. This is a recording."

The door swung inward, and Daria sat up, ready to fling a boot at her sister. Jane's haunted face met her, and the words which left those crimson lips froze Daria in place.

"It happened again."

Several minutes later, Daria and Jane sat on Daria's bed, the door tightly closed and locked and the T.V. on to disguise their conversation. Jane was calm enough to speak after some deep breathing, and when she could hold her curiosity no longer, Daria leaned toward her friend.

"What do you mean, 'it happened again?'"

Jane shook her head slowly, an unfamiliar look of dark loathing marring her features.

"So I told you about how Nick had those drug problems, right?"

Daria shrugged, then nodded to gesture her to go on.

"Well I was in my room painting while Mystik Spiral was downstairs rehearsing for their gig at McGrundy's tonight. Sometimes when they rehearse, they smoke a little weed, pound some beers. For inspiration, Trent says." She shrugged slightly, a bare twitch of the shoulders. "You know, harmless stuff. Well, the last couple times the band was over while I was out, I noticed some stuff missing from my room. Not like money or anything. Art supplies." She shot Daria a pointed look. "_Paint thinner._ I figured at first, maybe one of the guys barfed on the carpet and Trent tried to get the smell out. I mean, it's happened before."

Her expression grew infinitely darker, her large eyes flickered and burned like blue flame.

"Well I'm in there painting when Nick just walks in, chipper as you please, and grabs for the bottle of paint thinner sitting next to my easel. That's when everything clicked. So anyway, we got into this shouting match over it, mostly me calling him a burnout loser and told him I wanted the money for all the paint thinner I had to replace, since he was the one who drank it. Nick kept trying to get me to give him the bottle, and when I wouldn't he started calling me stuff. Including, but not limited to 'stingy little in-bred bitch.' And, well..."

Daria waited for a few long seconds, but Jane did not continue. Her coal-black hair had swung forward to cover her face, so Daria leaned over and peered past it, only to stop and stare at what she found. Jane Lane the irrepressible wise-ass, was _blushing_.

"Jane?"

She glanced furtively over at the stunned girl in the green jacket, shrugged.

"You know how I had a couple of those new Double Nasty Jumbo Burgers for dinner after you went home last night? The ones with the onions, peppers, chili, three types of cheese..."

A small, amused smile surfaced on Daria's face and she shook her head softly.

"Jane."

A tiny shrug followed a sheepish grin.

"I lost my temper, Daria. I try real hard for it not to happen, but..." A defeated sigh cut the tension in Jane's shoulders, and she seemed to shrink into herself. She put her face in her hands. "Those burgers really did a number on my stomach, and... well... since there's no delicate way to put this, I was dropping bombs like it was world war three. After Nick said all that crap, I kinda lost it and..."

Another glance, one so quick Daria almost couldn't trust the emotion coloring those sapphire eyes. For half a second, Daria thought it was fear.

"I told him to go... do something with himself. And, well, he took it kind of... literally." The emotion drained from Jane's form and in a voice eerily similar to Daria's, she said: "Well the upside is Spiral's looking for a new bass player."

Silence stretched between the two friends like a chasm. Daria was the first to brave the divide.

"Jane, are you seriously telling me what I _think_ you're telling me?"

Silence.

"You're not serious. You _can't_ be serious. Jane, it's just not possible!"

The taller girl looked around, an expression of hurt incredulity coloring her features.

"Daria, I told you a couple months ago what happens when I'm not careful. I mean, just think about it! Remember the hurricane, Daria?"

Daria shook her head frantically; her glasses barely managed to stay on the tip of her nose, and she absently reached up to adjust them as she fixed her gaze on the carpet.

"That wasn't real. It was just a hallucination brought on by bad pizza."

Jane's voice gained a foreign intensity Daria didn't like as she leaned toward the bespectacled girl.

"Don't you think it was strange that I jokingly wished for a musical during _Sick, Sad World_ and suddenly, boom! The very next day--"

"Don't say it, don't say it--"

"_the whole town's singing and dancing their little hearts out?_"

Daria's face was drawn and pale, eyes wide and hands clasped together so tightly her severely abbreviated nails dug into her skin. She did not respond to Jane's revelation, nor did she react to any of the prodding which followed. With a resigned sigh, Jane sat back and rubbed her eyes wearily.

"Guess it's time for a little demonstration."

Quinn never knew what possessed Daria to break into so accurate an imitation of that guy from Lord of the Dance that day, or why she seemed so freaked out about it later.

All anyone could seem to wonder was, what was that _awful_ smell?

---------------

February 09


	3. Paint The Mirror Black

**Paint the Mirror Black**

Daria stood before the mirror in the bathroom she shared with her younger sister, Quinn, and slowly turned her head this way and that. She studied the glass closely, eyes blank and thoughts far away.

Daria Morgendorffer had a secret. One day a month, every month, she could be anyone in the world, anyone at all, so long as she chose to. This past weekend she had donned the form of her slightly taller, enormously popular, red-headed sibling. She had been curious as to what Quinn's life was like outside of home and school, and so through a few long seconds' concentration, opened her eyes before that same mirror and gazed upon her sister's flawless reflection.

A quick perusal of Quinn's closet left Daria with a pair of the usual tight flared jeans and a black baby-tee with white lettering which read **WHATEVER** across the chest. A pair of battered black Nike's completed the outfit, and Daria set out for Dega street.

Throughout her day, Daria was astounded at how often she recieved free goods, enormous discounts, or offers of even the most inane assistance from nearly every man she came across. Men were insanely accomadating, women excessively friendly, and by the end of her outing, Daria was overwhelmed, both in mind and shopping bags.

Over the months she had spent in Lawndale, Daria had masqueraded as several people, including but not limited to Jodie Landon, Charles Ruttheimer, Mack Mackenzie, Brittany Taylor, Timothy ONeill, Tiffany Blum-Decklar and Angela Li. She had even spent a day as her father once, but after being greeted in an excessively familiar manner by one Linda Griffin, Daria had abandoned that thread forever.

She had learned something new about each person she walked as; Jodie's secret love affair with expensive cigars, Upchuck's fetish for preggo-porn and secret NPO, "Chuck It for Charity," Mack's collection of nearly every Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee-Bit ever released, Brittany's weekends at the shooting range under an assumed name, and the many Marksmanship trophies currently gathering dust in a storage unit in Oakwood. Daria no longer looked upon her peers with bitter judgement, but with curiosity, sometimes even intrigue. But there was no emotion felt in greater quantities for those around her than envy.

Now Daria stood before the mirror that had seen so many faces over the past year and half, and its pane stood empty.

For twelve days a year, Daria could be anyone she wanted. But for the other three hundred forty three days of the year, she was no one. No one at all.

PPMB "Unusual Superpowers" Iron chef  
5/22/08


	4. Super Heroism And YOU!

**Super Heroism and YOU!**

Jane's boredom deepened to the point that she turned to Kevin and, with a sarcastic smile tapped him on the shoulder and posed the question, "What're you in for?"

With his usual dopey, vacant smile Kevin perked up and, predictably chirped "I'm the QB!"

Daria rolled her eyes. Thus far, Ms. Li's mandatory Super Heroism and YOU! assembly was nothing more than several black-suited "officials" with no names, no credentials, and, supposedly, no affiliation to **C**ert**IA**n government agencies droning on and on and on about Lawndale's "exceptional youth" having "the future's future" on their shoulders.

After the subsequent jokes following that pearl drop of wisdom, Jane had amused herself by changing her appearance every few seconds, oft times at Daria's request. When asked what her talent was, Daria rolled her eyes.

"Once a day, I can grow one finger on one hand a centimeter longer than the other for the period of seventeen seconds."

Jane had laughed.

"Okay, I can understand why you kept that one to yourself."

"Well if I ever find myself in a situation where I'm restrained behind a line of lasers and the world's salvation depends on me pushing a big red button that's just a centimeter out of reach, I'm sure I'll still feel the same way."

Jane, now with chin-length orange hair, bright green eyes and skin the color of caramel, smirked.

"Actually, there's another employment opportunity you haven't thought of." Daria cocked a brow and waited. "Proctology."

Very calmly, Daria extended her middle finger and as Jane watched, it grew just a tiny bit longer. Daria smirked.

Now, Jane laughed and her hair began to grow at an amazing rate until it shrouded her face and hung down nearly to her thighs.

"Why are you here, Kevin. As in why did Manson sign you up?"

"I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know," Daria muttered under her breath like a mantra, two fingers on each hand massaging her temples in a soothing, counter-clockwise rhythm.

"Oh!" With a sense of idiotic pride, Kevin drew himself higher in his seat and grinned at Jane's bemused expression. "I can suck my own!"

There was a moment of stunned silence, then as Jane burst into hysterical laughter a pained expression creased the area between Daria's brows.

_If he offers us a demonstration, I'm blinding myself._ she thought in amused disgust.

Much to her dismay, Jane asked for an elaboration between guffaws. Kevin explained in his simple, forthright way that he was able to stretch certain parts of his anatomy up to six feet, his current limit, and it made for interesting times when he and his girlfriend were on a break. His dull brown eyes lit up jovially.

"Wanna see?"

Jane grinned. Daria reached for her back pack and started searching for a pencil.

PPMB "Unusual Superpowers" Iron chef  
7/22/08


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